[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!