Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit