Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.