“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.