My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
ok like just. call me at this point
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift