@AthenaMystique: Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.
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@massive_images: Dad: "So what are you going to do after you graduate?" Me: "well, mom said we'll probably go out somewhere to eat"
@scarebro: My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
@DeadLioness: They don't seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.