@AthenaMystique: Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.
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@Spaziotwat: [*Wakes up on sofa] "Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?" Wife [from bedroom]: "YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."
@TheRolo: Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter? Me: we met at a nickelback conc- Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
@jeffswarens: If you stare at a 6 year old when they're eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.