My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
You Might Also Like
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.