“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Yup
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
yall want some gasoline milk