Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
They’re on their honeymoon
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
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national guard phone #
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone