[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.