@FilthyRichmond: Walmart's hair salon doesn't charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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@ojedge: [attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear] ME: Thank you all for coming 37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
@dumbbeezie: I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
@Lisabug74: Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.