@FilthyRichmond: Walmart's hair salon doesn't charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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@mompsychologist: I've never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it's like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
@TheTweetOfGod: I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
@jujuhounds: Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say 'beautiful' instead. Me: Ok. Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?