Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
even bears disappoint their mothers
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..