@FilthyRichmond: Walmart's hair salon doesn't charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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@offbeatoliv: Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is "guilt" I pretty much have it in the bag.
@Sal0630: Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
@13spencer: You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
@fusedude: If someone makes you want to murder them, don't hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.