@FilthyRichmond: Walmart's hair salon doesn't charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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@WritePlay: *burglar breaks in* *i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture* Burglar: No I have a double chin! Me: I'll post it
@iwearaonesie: mother-in-law (on FB): I'm tired of everyone being so condesending *wife tackles me before I can write "you spelled 'condescending' wrong"*
@lukeoneil47: I was 17 having dinner w new gf's parents. Pooped. 1st flush didn't take. I got nervous they'd hear a 2nd so I threw the turd out the window
@deLusticious: Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!