Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son