Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.