I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
i smell a pulitzer
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill