The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Breakfast for Stoners:
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I drew y’all a little something.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”