Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The booster protects against what, now?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
My dad teaching me to drive
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this