Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
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If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.