*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
You Might Also Like
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now