*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
that lip filler tho
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR