sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.