NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.