King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
me and the Superbowl rn
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face