Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Rt to bother an English speaker
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?