Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
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My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.