Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The days of good grammer has went
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.