@DiscoFruit: wanna feel old? this is eminem now:
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@iwearaonesie: wife: What's the best moment of your life? me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding
@bourgeoisalien: I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
@Dan_Haak: Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
@erikbransteen: Kanye West tweeted that Bieber's 'What Do You Mean?' was 2015's best song. The "...which wouldn't happened without me" tweet coming soon.