Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping