Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what