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*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Great acting.. 😂
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
saving face 👀