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Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Did my cat write this
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there