“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?