@patrickmarkryan: "Wanna go camping?" "No thanks, I have a house."
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@T_Bonezzz_: Dear women who just gave birth, Stop naming your child 'Khalessi'. Sincerely, The rest of the human race
@panmidwest: [pulled over] ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line ME: [exhale] thank God…
@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.