Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Usage Guidelines
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My dress code is business-casualty.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom