I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
peeping toms
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting