“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.