“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
tourist season
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Chicago sounds lovely.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.