She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song