I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
good work, everybody
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.