Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
best first i’ve ever seen
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
FINE, I WON’T.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!