Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
You Might Also Like
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.