Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
You Might Also Like
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.