Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…