Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.