Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?