Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
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channeling her this year
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*