*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
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I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I got bills
They’re multiplying
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
(Jupiter –
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used