@FierceMess: Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you'll change your mind real quick.
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@CerebralWreck: Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear? Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
@brandynwiththey: I'm glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
@iRowlf: I'm returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful. "Sir, that's a loofah." Oh. I'm returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.