Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*