@FierceMess: Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you'll change your mind real quick.
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@zachreinert03: My ex claimed I had a 'hero' complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
@TheBoydP: Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
@_SetTheHook_: I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.