Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
WTF IS THAT!
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*