I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me