What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.