“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way