“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
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HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.